I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

She looked surprised.

But it's worth a shot.

The woofabit.

The Catholic one, because of all the potpourrie.

We haven’t gotten a gig yet.

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back yard. The man goes to the yard and sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years". "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals". "Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the back yard."

…but the reviews said the bread was good, the service was fine, but the atmosphere was lacking.

With an internet Bowser

Not to worry, I only suffered super-fish-oil injuries.

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he gave his wife a magic dildo before he left. The reason it was called a magic dildo was because no matter where the wife was all she would have to do is say, "magic dildo" and then the place she wanted the magic dildo to be and it would appear there. A week after her husband left, she decided to give the magic dildo a try. She left it in the garage and then went up into her bed and said, "magic dildo, vagina." Instantly it appeared where it was called and satisfied her. She was very excited about her magic dildo and started to use it every where. She called to it at work when no one was looking, in the wooded part of the park, at the movie theatre, when she was dancing, everywhere. No matter where she was it would appear and make her squirm with pleasure. One day on her way to work she hit bad traffic. She looked up ahead and saw there was an accident and realized it would be a while and decided to call the magic dildo. She was feeling really confident and called out "magic dildo, vagina." She became overwhelmed and hit the accelerator slamming into the car in front of her. As it turned out the driver of that car was a cop. The cop came up to the car seeing the woman squirming and suspected she was on drugs. "Get out of the car now and put your hands on the hood!" She tried to comply but ended up just falling to the pavement. The officer was quite alright and asked the woman what she was on. She told him "Officer I'm not on any drugs, my husband gave me a magic dildo and it's causing me to lose control!" The officer, not buying it, simply replied, "Magic dildo, my ass."